We're All Left Behind

It's well into May 22 in many parts of the world, and I've yet to see anyone fly naked through the air clamoring for Jesus--except that guy on the Metro. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't so much "raptured" as "schnockered." Face it, Christians. The rapture was a bust. Better luck next year.

Or maybe the rapture did happen and none of us were worthy of divine ascension. This God fellow is awfully persnickety. Take His name in vain? You're going to Hell. Forget to honor your mother and father? You're going to Hell. Nap through the Sabbath? You're going to Hell. And don't get me started on Leviticus... (Have you eaten shellfish recently? You're going to Hell.)

As far as I'm concerned, we've all been left behind. And we should start acting like it. Remember: "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth." And here we are.

Let's forget this God guy and start worrying about reality. It'll be a lot more productive, require a lot less cannibalism, and finally rid us of Sarah Palin. (One can hope.) Not to mention you get to keep that tithe you've been putting in the offering plate every Sunday. I'm taking mine to Vegas to "stimulate the economy."

But even if the rapture didn't happen, there are many things more likely to occur before it does:

1. Cubs World Series victory.
2. President-Elect Ron Paul.
3. World peace.
4. Megan Fox-Richards.
5. Obama admits his Kenyan roots.
6. Zombie apocalypse.
7. Skynet.
8. Flying cars.
9. B.A. in Philosophy with an emphasis in Objectivism.
10. ?

What do you think is more likely to happen?